Decisions
The Kansas wind usually goes down with the sun. Last night it kept churning like the thoughts in my head.
My bed sits at an angle, extending from the corner of the room. There are large windows on both sides, and I had them wide open. Laying on top of the covers, wearing only a t-shirt, the wind blowing back and forth across my legs and the loud sounds of the night made if feel almost like I was laying out in a field, in the open air. It was soothing, but not enought to make me sleep.
My thoughts constantly go in circles in my head.
On one hand, I feel my responsibility to my son who needs me, and who needs to stay in the program at the school he is in. Change upsets him way too much, whether it's the ADHD, or the learning disabilities, or the fact that they have observed in him some borderline OCD behaviors, I don't know. All I know is that making him move would be the worst thing for him at this point.
On the other hand, there is the man I love. I want to be with him more than anything. It is about a 5 hour drive from here to there, I can't see him near as much as I want to. I also could go to school, and have a great chance of getting a real job if I moved to the city. I could have 5 Master's degrees in this tiny hick county and it wouldn't help. I don't want to spend my life working in this store. I want a real job, one that uses my mind, my talents. I want more than anything to be with my Sir.
What to do? My responsibility is to my son, but my heart wants to go to Him.
I have decided to look into getting my degree online, that way no matter where I am I can work on it. Maybe when my son gets a bit older he will understand more that his Dad and Grandma will still be there for him, and that I'm still really close.
I can't look into the big brown eyes of my 7 year old who is so dependent on his mom and tell him that I am leaving for such selfish reasons.
I just hop that my He understands, and that we can continue the relationship, just going where ever it takes us. I love Him so much, it would kill me to lose Him now that I just found Him.
I finally fell asleep, just as the light rain began to fall, but my thoughts kept going around in my head.
My bed sits at an angle, extending from the corner of the room. There are large windows on both sides, and I had them wide open. Laying on top of the covers, wearing only a t-shirt, the wind blowing back and forth across my legs and the loud sounds of the night made if feel almost like I was laying out in a field, in the open air. It was soothing, but not enought to make me sleep.
My thoughts constantly go in circles in my head.
On one hand, I feel my responsibility to my son who needs me, and who needs to stay in the program at the school he is in. Change upsets him way too much, whether it's the ADHD, or the learning disabilities, or the fact that they have observed in him some borderline OCD behaviors, I don't know. All I know is that making him move would be the worst thing for him at this point.
On the other hand, there is the man I love. I want to be with him more than anything. It is about a 5 hour drive from here to there, I can't see him near as much as I want to. I also could go to school, and have a great chance of getting a real job if I moved to the city. I could have 5 Master's degrees in this tiny hick county and it wouldn't help. I don't want to spend my life working in this store. I want a real job, one that uses my mind, my talents. I want more than anything to be with my Sir.
What to do? My responsibility is to my son, but my heart wants to go to Him.
I have decided to look into getting my degree online, that way no matter where I am I can work on it. Maybe when my son gets a bit older he will understand more that his Dad and Grandma will still be there for him, and that I'm still really close.
I can't look into the big brown eyes of my 7 year old who is so dependent on his mom and tell him that I am leaving for such selfish reasons.
I just hop that my He understands, and that we can continue the relationship, just going where ever it takes us. I love Him so much, it would kill me to lose Him now that I just found Him.
I finally fell asleep, just as the light rain began to fall, but my thoughts kept going around in my head.
3 Comments:
Amethyst, a mother's first and foremost duty is to her child. That has to supercede all else.
Going on line to further your education is an excellent idea. I understand all the major colleges have "extended campus" programs. I'm betting there are all sorts of money and grants available to you.
You go, girl!
I recently got this email as a comment to this post:
Amethyst:
I followed a link from Buff's blog, and have recently read yours; I see
the
pain, the confusion, and the loneliness in your posts.
May I make a comment? I do not have a blog, so must use email.
No man worthy of the name would force you to choose between your child
and
him.
A thinking man would know you would come to resent him for making you
choose; an honourable man would make that decision not only for you,
but for
both of you.
While we cannot undo the past, we can make the most of the present
circumstances. Your child is a reality, a child who needs you and
whose
well-being must supercede your own desires.
As adults and parents, we have made our own choices and we must live
with
the results of those choices; it is our duty and responsibility to
ensure
our children are given the best opportunities available to enable them
to
achieve their full potential.
Education is a marvellous idea! It will enrich your life! Remember,
doors
do more than close - they also open; education is often the key to
making
the latter happen.
Best wishes Amethyst
LG
That would be fine, if I was moving by myself. I could never make enough money to support myself and my son.(Explains the fact that I am living with my mom now)
I was going to be moving in with Him, and He doesn't really... well, it's not that He doesn't like kids exactly, he's just not exactly a family man sort of guy. Having to always find a baby sitter and pay a baby sitter anytime He wanted us to take off wouldn't work very well.
I couldn't do that to Him.
So I wills tay here.
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